Our House

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As I sit at my desk at home today with the morning sun’s blonde radiance streaming in through my bedroom window listening to Our House from the 1970 Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young album Déjà Vu,  I’m overcome by weepy sentimentality.

Did you ever feel so completely contented with life that it was a little scary?

The world is wobbling drunkenly at the very edge of the abyss, and I’m sitting here salting my oatmeal breakfast with tears of ecstasy because I’m feeling so fine.

Oh, yeah. So very fine.

But, you must remember that I am (forever, it seems) a recovering bipolar. I used to get these irrational highs all the time, interspersed with near-suicidal depression.

Somehow, seemingly miraculously – because I had no real hope – I was delivered. The love of a good woman, some decent drugs, and the faith that something more important and powerful than the gooey mush in my skull cared about me all combined to extract me, kicking and screaming, from the pernicious cycle of euphoria and despair.

I don’t miss being in the dank, stony pit with the hyenas giggling nervously while tearing great bloody chunks from my soul.

But I do miss the periods of calm lucidity when Gloom and Doom were vacationing together in Vienna riding the Big Wheel at the Prater;  when the world felt safe, despite clear evidence to the contrary. I miss the respites from darkness when pewter clouds in my head parted and precious light flooded in with a profound sigh like the whisper of silvery smoke escaping from a toker’s lips.

Oh, yeah. I miss the highs.

Life is steadier now. My cage doesn’t rattle so much. That’s good.

But, contrary to the lukewarm complacency of life these days, this morning I’m blessed by a sweet flashback of irrational inner delight: unsought, undeserved, unexpected, and enigmatic.

What triggered this phenomenon?

As consciousness returned this morning, I drowsily retrieved my camera and stumbled into the garden. Eunie is very sick with tonsillitis. I’ve been caring for her. I worry. I fret. I needed a break.

As I turned and looked back at our house, this is what I saw. Maybe this had something to do with the enhancement of my mood:

Our House

Our house lit like a Sultan’s golden palace lent me cheer.

The delicious orange lilies were bathed in warmth:

Fervently orange lilies

The maturing fruit on one of our Fishtail Palms is soon to be joined by a sister (the tan coloured pod on the right):

The fruitful Fishtail Palm

When I returned to our house to find Eunie awake and feeling much better, I sat down to write.

As if in a dream I put on Our House,  and started watching the screen fill with thoughts that I can express only through my fingers on the keyboard. Is this what a musician feels as his soul pours out through the open window that is his instrument?

Anyway, I’ll pay homage to the lyrics by quoting the chorus:

Our house is a very, very, very fine house.
With two cats in the yard,
Life used to be so hard,
Now everything is easy ’cause of you.

I dedicate this composition and these sentiments to my woman. Any goodness, love, and compassion that is in me . . .

I owe to her.

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10 Responses to “Our House”

  1. The best of News Feeds | Robert@PNG Says:

    […] Honesty, madness and vulnerability… MadDog: Our House […]

  2. Madang - Ples Bilong Mi » Blog Archive » Preview - The New Kid in Town Says:

    Another post in which I show you an aerial photo of our house.

  3. Start Each Day With a Sunrise | Madang - Ples Bilong Mi Says:

    […] morning, the sunrise was ho-hum. I took its picture regardless. Here’s what it looked like at our house this morning at […]

  4. Ollie Says:

    Good post. I think it is possible to recover from depression, but it takes time and patience. I can’t find any good message boards on the net, can you recommend any?

  5. MadDog Says:

    I suffered from severe depression for a great part of my life. I do agree with some of the points on your blog, especially about seeing your doctor, getting off ALL drugs that are not given to you by your doctor for physical conditions, and quitting caffeine. The caffeine was a real problem for me. Near the end of my battle, I finally quit caffeine cold-turkey. The change was dramatic within two days.

    Anyway, we all have different ideas. I have no experience with devices such as you suggest, but I doubt if they would have worked for me, since I don’t believe that they would. I DO think that you must believe that anything that you do is going to help you. It IS your MIND that you are dealing with. However just because you believe it will help does not necessarily mean that it will.

    For me it was mostly learning coping aids. Near the end, as I seemed to be winning the battle, the most helpful thing that I learned to do was to completely shut out negative thinking. I am talking about the deep thought process during which you spiral down to the depths while trying to find ways to solve unsolvable problems. Some things you just can’t control. Once you learn to NOT dwell on these things, it can change your life. I was amazed that this actually worked. I’m convinced that the mind is amazingly plastic. You can train your mind to do tricks that can help you conquer depression.

    Thanks for reading,

  6. Home Again | Madang - Ples Bilong Mi Says:

    […] have written several times about Fishtail Palms. They fascinate me. You can review here, here, here, and here. You may be thinking, “Big deal.” Remember, however, that what you are […]

  7. Drip, Drip | Madang - Ples Bilong Mi Says:

    […] modify light. Now light, you see, is something that interests me greatly. I’ve shown you my orange lilies before. Here are some water drops resting on a shady […]

  8. The Pink Ice Cream and the Orange Lilies | Madang - Ples Bilong Mi Says:

    […] show you these lilies before here, here, here and here. They seem indestructible. As soon as Juli, our haus meri,  tears up one […]

  9. Esmeralda - The Canoe Girl | Madang - Ples Bilong Mi Says:

    […] not positive. There is another possibility. I’ve written before about our Fishtail Palms here, here, here, and […]

  10. Of Ships and Mushrooms | Madang - Ples Bilong Mi Says:

    […] was always so happy with Our House. It’s big and roomy, plenty of room for parties. There is a dining room table which seats […]