Things You NEED!

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As a Public Service and a personal means of making mischief, I’m presenting to you a range of products which will undoubtedly enhance your enjoyment of life, make you healthier, more attractive and possibly bring you a little good luck. As you may have heretofore been unaware of these necessities, I’ve kindly left the web site addresses of the advertisers plainly visible so that you may, if you so choose, purchase them from their esteemed vendors.

These items were carefully culled from “The Emporium” pages of The Atlantic,  a notoriously leftist rag which I study studiously each month. And now, I present the crème de la crème  of the lot.

Let’s begin with a light dinner:

You may be tempted by this, but I have multiple objections, one being sudden death by anaphylactic shock. My allergy to shellfish toxin would do me in within the hour. I have another nagging fear here. Is this stuff delivered to your door packed in dry ice? Contact the company for more information. Suggest to them that they send me a commission cheque.

I find this one particularly amusing, since my exhaustive research has uncovered no convincing evidence that human pheromones even exist, let alone that they provide any useful advantages in the love game:

I have two further comments on Dr. Cutler’s magic potion. The first is, if you used this product, would you be willing to admit it? Could it go something like this:

MAN: Honey, I have something I need to tell you. I’ve been using human pheromones to attract you to me. 

WOMAN: Well, that explains a lot, you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] !

I direct my second comment to Lee of WA. Lee, I am very sad for you. You have my deepest condolences.

Okay, okay, I have to admit that this one looks like fun:

However, my dignity suffers sufficiently from the big stogie sticking out of my mouth. Hey, remember, Freud said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

For the waistline challenged I present:

Is it just me or does that thing look dangerous? Would you let your children play with it? If OSHA discovered this bit of machinery in a factory and thought that is was something that workers had to operate would they fine and flog the Capitalist Pigs who owned the establishment? Of course this begs the question whether you are ignorant enough to believe that four minutes of exercise a day is going to do anything but give you a sudden violent heart attack the next time you try to tango with your sweetie. Seriously, folks. I’m going to make a million with MadDog’s Foolproof Weight Loss Diet at US100 a pop. It will consist of a postcard delivered to the client’s house with one sentence written on the back. – “Stop stuffing food into your gob all the live-long day!”

By the way, to further convenience you I checked out the website (which is a redirect, of course) and discovered that you can have this amazing contraption for only US$14,615. Better snap one up today!

You know, I’d actually buy this (bit of a hat fetish here) if I actually believed that I could roll it up and it would look okay after I unroll it:

But, US$75 bucks? Hey, I didn’t come in on a load of pumpkins! It’s made in Ecuador, for pity’s sake. Those people get paid in bananas. No way I’m going to enrich the capitalist exploiters of the sweaty masses. On the other hand, if you want to send me one for testing purposes . . .

Well, this indeed is the perfect holiday gift. Too bad that the holidays are over:

HELLO! . . . anybody out there ever hear of a supermarket?

Hey, something just popped into the little round space in my head that I use for a mind. What if the people who buy this stuff are simply lonely? Isn’t that sad? Maybe the UPS guy is their only contact with normal humans. We could be dealing with some very disconcerting stuff here. Somebody should write a chick-flick screen play. Hey, maybe I  will. Any producers out there sniffing around for a hot property?

I’m actually grateful for the enlightenment by which I was enlightened by the simple reading of this ad:

I had no idea that the US Library of Congress had thirty official, registered, supremely pompous, gloriously elegant and powerful yet dignified Eagle designs just sitting there waiting for somebody to come along and commercialise. Wonders do  exist! Who knows what other monetisable treasures lie neglected on dusty shelves which can be converted into ready cash. And, The Eagle Ring is so patriotic! Still, I’ll pass. Now, The Eagles, that’s a different story. “It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford, slowin’ down to take a look at me . . .”

100% guaranteed to do what?

You know, I’ve been thinking green a lot lately. I’ve discovered that being poor is a marvelous way of reducing my carbon footprint. I’m seriously considering becoming destitute. Maybe my footprint will become so small that I’ll simply float up into the air and live in the clouds. And, today I discovered another essential device to hasten the day when I’ll be flat broke and wondering how all my precious moolah went up in smoke:

I particularly appreciate the “self extinguishing brass base”. Until now, I laboured under the delusion that brass doesn’t burn, except, of course, under the most intense heat – and I’m not sure about that. Furthermore this device is very chummy with the environment, having raped only the bees for their abodes, won’t poison me or give me cancer and, thank you so much, doesn’t drip. Man, I hate those candle drips! It takes hours to pick them all off and feed them back into the little puddle of molten paraffin.

Woah, I’m on a roll today! I got dat money spendin’ feva, man! Manufacturers of the world, we implore you. Please, in the name of Mercy, give us more useless crap!

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4 Responses to “Things You NEED!”

  1. Steve Goodheart Says:

    Awesome, MadDog….I look forward to these from you….laughed out loud a couple of times…..sort of like a Mystery Science Theater 3000 for ads….love it.

    Btw, that $15,000 exercise machine…says does it all you need to do in 4 minutes….the only problem is, the human body physiologically could not get enough work in 4 minutes to do anything really helpful….it takes several minutes just for the body to “warm up”….if it’s some extreme, insane, hyper-fast all-out exercise, you are likely to do severe harm to your joints and muscles (without a sufficient warm-up, which would be 5 or 10 minutes, minimum) and in many people cases, going super-fast from a resting state to some anabolic state could cause a heart attack. It looks like one might be able to do all kinds of exercises on this Rube Goldberg contraption, but in 4 minutes, you’d be better off doing deep knee bends or jump-squats. Anyway, it’s clearly a total rip-off, I’ve just wanted to say that all this to somebody. 🙂

    Loved this post!

  2. MadDog Says:

    I’ll tell you something funnier. I didn’t know what Mystery Science Theater 3000 was. I had to Google it. We don’t get that high-brow stuff here on Planet X.

    I’d say your assessment of the exercise machine is astute, though not as funny as mine. What kind of a pea-brain would shed that kind of bread for that spindly contraption?

  3. Steve Goodheart Says:

    OK, you’ve got to at least see the opening of MST3K, and meet the robots, and hear the theme song…and see at least the opening 3 or 4 minutes, so, I give you, the MST3K- The Magic Sword!

    (I know the opening theme song by heart; so does Sarah) 🙂

  4. MadDog Says:

    Now that I see the clip, I can remember seeing it in North America a couple of times. I thought it was great, but Eunie’s enthusiasm was somewhat less. Thanks for the link. I’ll sit back and watch the whole thing if I ever get time.