As a Public Service and a personal means of making mischief, I’m presenting to you a range of products which will undoubtedly enhance your enjoyment of life, make you healthier, more attractive and possibly bring you a little good luck. As you may have heretofore been unaware of these necessities, I’ve kindly left the web site addresses of the advertisers plainly visible so that you may, if you so choose, purchase them from their esteemed vendors.
These items were carefully culled from “The Emporium” pages of The Atlantic, a notoriously leftist rag which I study studiously each month. And now, I present the crème de la crème of the lot.
Let’s begin with a light dinner:
I find this one particularly amusing, since my exhaustive research has uncovered no convincing evidence that human pheromones even exist, let alone that they provide any useful advantages in the love game:
MAN: Honey, I have something I need to tell you. I’ve been using human pheromones to attract you to me.
WOMAN: Well, that explains a lot, you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] !
I direct my second comment to Lee of WA. Lee, I am very sad for you. You have my deepest condolences.
Okay, okay, I have to admit that this one looks like fun:
For the waistline challenged I present:
By the way, to further convenience you I checked out the website (which is a redirect, of course) and discovered that you can have this amazing contraption for only US$14,615. Better snap one up today!
You know, I’d actually buy this (bit of a hat fetish here) if I actually believed that I could roll it up and it would look okay after I unroll it:
Well, this indeed is the perfect holiday gift. Too bad that the holidays are over:
Hey, something just popped into the little round space in my head that I use for a mind. What if the people who buy this stuff are simply lonely? Isn’t that sad? Maybe the UPS guy is their only contact with normal humans. We could be dealing with some very disconcerting stuff here. Somebody should write a chick-flick screen play. Hey, maybe I will. Any producers out there sniffing around for a hot property?
I’m actually grateful for the enlightenment by which I was enlightened by the simple reading of this ad:
100% guaranteed to do what?
You know, I’ve been thinking green a lot lately. I’ve discovered that being poor is a marvelous way of reducing my carbon footprint. I’m seriously considering becoming destitute. Maybe my footprint will become so small that I’ll simply float up into the air and live in the clouds. And, today I discovered another essential device to hasten the day when I’ll be flat broke and wondering how all my precious moolah went up in smoke:
Woah, I’m on a roll today! I got dat money spendin’ feva, man! Manufacturers of the world, we implore you. Please, in the name of Mercy, give us more useless crap!Tags: the atlantic, useless crap