To The Aliens in My Front Yard – Live Long and Prosper
The Laboratory Monks tell us that a huge portion of the genes that spell out what we appear to be (Yeah, I’m a phenotype, just like you. Except I’m less inhibited.) are exactly the same. Okay, lets say that I share like maybe 90% of the genes with my dog, Sheba. That could explain a lot. But, we don’t look much like each other. Chimps are even closer, something like 98%. Don’t take these numbers seriously, I’m not checking them. I’m just sketching the general sketch here. In one sense, I’m nearly as mousey as a mouse, as moosey as a moose . . . you get the picture.
But, when you go into the ocean . . . wow . . . There be monsters there. HARRRGGHH!
When did you ever see anything like this in your front yard?
Well, any fool knows that it’s just a cuttlefish, specifically a Broadclub Cuttlefish, technically a Sepia latimanus. But, have you ever stopped, maybe after a stiff Scotch or two, and pondered just how different it is? If you think about it long enough, you go all funny. People are always telling me that I think too much. Maybe they are right.
But, how do you shut it off? I mean, look at this thing:
You can’t see it here, but it was flashing me. No, not that way. Waves of brilliant colours were sweeping over its body. If that were not enough, it was growing lumps even as I watched. Check out cuttlefish flicks on YouTube if you want to blow your mind.
They also have this funny (not ha-ha, I mean hair standing up on the back of your neck funny) thing that they do with their arms that seems chillingly communicative. It’s like, “Hey, stupid! Yeah, you. Cat got your tongue? Can’t you see I’m talking to you?” I’ll demonstrate at the end of the post. You’ll be amazed.
As if that’s not bad enough, we have the cloaking devices. You see the alien? I’m one up on you, because I know its secret:
Here on Earth we call it the Longsnout Flathead. The Men in Black call it a Thysanophrys chiltonae. (Thy Chi for short). I can’t pronounce what their cousins call themsleves back on Betelgeuse XVI.
Okay, now do you see it? Unlike in outer space, the cloaking device fails to be 100% effective underwater. I think has something to do with refraction angles or some such tomfoolery:
Still pretty effective, eh? The eyes are the problem. If they cloak their eyes, they can’t see you. It’s a sort of self-defeating defense. Not much use. The eyes always give them away. They need to work on their technology. Maybe they should feed a few of their theoretical scientists to us. That would give them an incentive to come up with a fix.
Here I have used my soon to be patented MadDog Alien Disclosing Anti-Cloaking Ray Dispenser on this Flathead (a close cousin of the Coneheads, in case you were wondering) to display it in its fully disgusting not-like-me-at-all splendor:
I should warn you not to stare into its eyes too long, especially if you click the image to enlarge it. I recently heard of a teenager who did that. It was horrible. He stopped cutting school, quit smoking pot, finished all of accumulation of 1,600 hours of his court mandated community service and stopped saying, “Whatever.” If these things have that kind of power they could take over any time they darn well please.
So, as I always play the safe side and don’t look for trouble where it doesn’t sound like fun, I’m publicly communicating my good intentions to any and all aliens, above or below the Dihydrogen Monoxide interface:
I’m using the same creepy hand signal that the Cuttlefish and Mister Spock use. You thought it was Hollywood, eh? Sucker!
Sheesh, I look like I’ve been raised from the dead. Call me Lazarus. You like my Lieutenant Dangle shorts? I cut the pockets off so people wouldn’t think I was a cast member of Reno 911. That’s a genuine Harley Davidson belt buckle, by the way, given to me by Trevor Hattersley and Karen Simmons for some event, my birthday or Christmas or something. I can’t remember. I have to keep saying this, because I once attributed the gift to someone else and I’m still grovelling for forgiveness. Ooooh, I’m digressing severely.
Anyway, to all you aliens out there: I’m a nice peaceable guy. You don’t get in my face, I won’t get in yours. My motto is live and let live or whatever it is you do.
In short: Live Long and Prosper.
I’ll try to do the same.
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Kaplaa!
Mate, that shot of the flathead’s eye is MIND BLOWING in clarity and detail. An underwater macro shot to end all. Incredible beauty and crispness. You are a legend. Loved it.
Well, I just feel all giggly after that.
Hey, what’s with the name change on FB? Did I miss something funny while I was in a coma?
Not that I don’t find it funny. Have you taken vows or what?
Well, I had a name-change (see earlier FB wall thread for conversation revolving around ‘Rectal Nest Mints’- a somewhat unfortunate anagram of my name) which I was temporarily unable to unchange after the first hour of the joke wore thin… Tutu however is a longstanding nickname which is a temporary addition to my profile. In all honesty, because some of the stuff I post on my blog is a tad controversial and occasionally critiques hostile governments to which I might sometimes travel, I’m wanting to lower my profile on the internet so that my real name is harder to trace- and so I am thinking of removing it from Facebook and calling myself something different. It’s scary what you can bring up just by googling somebody’s name.
I was wondering about that “Rectal” thing. Glad for the explanation and the belly-laugh.
I couldn’t find anything so juicy for “Jan Arnold Messersmith” in a quick survey. I found only three weak ones: Rajah Mildness Monster, Sir John Lens Amsterdam (kinda like that one – works on several levels) and Sir John Elms, Tradesman.
I fully understand your need for the occasional bit of anonymity.
Oh, man, what a great post. Cuttlefish are so amazing. Once I saw a film on their “flashing” years ago, I was hooked. I swear to god, they almost have a language based on those color changes. They even can “lie” or “deceive”…there was this hilarious scene, where on one side of this cuttlefish, he was totally pulling out all the stops for this female cuttlefish, just psychedelic, “Hey baby, look at me. Woo hoo!” and on the other side, he was being totally neutral to this other male who was competing, like “Hey dude. Yeah, not much going on here, really. That chick? What chick? I didn’t even notice, really.” It was so obvious it was hiding it’s intent from the other cuttlefish.
I *so* want to see a cuttlefish do it’s display flash thing. If they do it at night, it would be mind-blowing, though I bet they don’t much, because of predators.
The only thing I’d like to see more than a cuttlefish is a nautilus. They always remind me of prehistoric ammonites, but as you probably know, squids, and cuttles, and octopus are actually closer to the ammonite than the look-alike nautilus is. Funny convergent evolution, eh?
That flathead is astounding. I think it’s even better “cloaking” than those scorpionfish you posted recently. And that lost shot is National Geo good! Wow!
Finally, you comment about “Dangle” pants (geez, that doesn’t sound right! but then, Dangle’s name is totally appropriate for him!) totally cracked me up. Sarah and I are total fans of Reno 911. I’ve laughed until tears have run down my face in some episodes.
I really like that shot of you; you say you look you’re back from the dead ( you would know) but your face looks very peaceful and good.
Thanks for a great, great post. As I promised, I did a seq squirt tour de force using your great images. I may have to do one on camouflage at some point. It’s a idea kids learn in the 6th grade, typically, and when you add these amazing “cloakers” of yours to some mantis and other insects, that’d be a rocking post. We’ll see. As always, I’ll include my props to THE MAN of Madang!
With affection,
Steve
Glad you enjoyed it, Steve. I had fun writing it, as you can imagine.
I’ve seen the flashing hundreds of times and it never ceaces to blow my mind. If you find one at night, and shine your light it, it will flash like crazy. One night on Planet Rock we had one that was letting us stroke its belly, all the while rippling waves of colour – first one direction and then the other. I never felt so close to something so strange – can’t get it out of my head.
Never seen a live nautilus. They stay way too deep for divers. I have picked up a lot of empty shells, though.
The flathead shot pleased me also. I wonder if I’m ever going to be “discovered”?
I wear the short cutoffs out of simple contrarariness. I enjoy it when people “wonder”. Besides, I never know when I’ll have to move like a Cheetah. An IT Cheetah.
I’ll have a nice Sea Squirt for you today and another really good shot of the cuttlefish.
Actually “Yahn”, the Vulcan salute has the thumb pointing out, not toward the palm. Although a Vulcan might presume you meant “Peace and Long Life” or “Live Long and Prosper”—it could possibly mean something else entirely like “Mad Dog who wears Ponytail”. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulcan_salute
>>One night on Planet Rock we had one that was letting us stroke its belly, all the while rippling waves of colour – first one direction and then the other. I never felt so close to something so strange – can’t get it out of my head.
Oh, thats really magical, a once-in-a-lifetime encounter with another creature as alien as something from outer space, in some way, and yet which probably shares a good portion of the same genes as you and I! I hope I can just see one some day, let alone have that kind of amazing encounter.
You need to be discovered! I do my best to sing your praises whenever I get a chance, my friend. That “Creature that eats it’s own brain” was averaging 5,000 plus hits a day, the most I’ve every had on any post, for almost two weeks, and I bet a lot of that went your way to see more great images of sea squirts I used from your site. We have a good symbiotic relationship, no? And I’m so grateful to be able to use such stunning images to wake up people’s minds and hearts to the beauty of our planet.
Looking forward to seeing the sea squirt and some more cuttlefish
Thanks!
Steve
“Djai”, you are, of course, absolutely correct about The Vulcan gesture. I was demonstrating the far more ancient Local Cluster “Greeting With Respect” gesture which accomodates species with two or more digits. Thechnically, anything but a closed fist will do. It’s the sentiment that really gets the message across.
One of many magic moments in this crazy place.
Man, you must have some great connections to get up to that many hits. I’ve been working daily for over two years and I’m nearing an average of 2,000 a day. I’m suffering a severe wave of “blog envy”. Yours is definitely bigger than mine.
No, no, that was only in that brief period, and because the sea squirt was so popular, in no small part, to your wonderful images….since then, Extreme Science is doing good if it gets 150 plus a day, typically.
Well, crap! Now I have to feel sorry for you. I like it much better when I’m the one getting pity. I’m a real pity hound.
I’ll have to start plugging you more. – Later, dude.
[...] These are very common on our reefs. They are ambush hunters. Their camouflage abilities are amazing as you can see in this post. [...]