Confused in Fiji

Posted in On Tthe Road on June 28th, 2010 by MadDog
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I had planned to go for a dive here in Nadi today, but I don’t think that it’s a good idea. When I woke up this morning, I felt very confused. I wasn’t sure what day it was. I had no clear memory of what happened yesterday or the day before. I now remember that we went for a cultural evening at another hotel on Saturday night and we saw fire-walking and other demonstrations. Last night we stayed in for a quiet evening to celebrate our 46th anniversary. I went around taking pictures this morning while trying to put my memories of the last few days in order.

I’m not sure what has happened to me. I guess that it’s not unusual to have memory lapses and confusion beginning in one’s 60’s and I have experienced both before. For me, it usually happens when I am in an unfamiliar environment. I have to admit that it is very scary. There are some very pleasant and comforting aspects of growing old, but this is definitely not one of them. It is frightening to be suddenly unable to remember clearly the events of the last few days. (See my Update at the end of the post.)

I haven’t been eating properly and I know that my mental state is very dependent on my blood sugar level. I’m relaxing in the hotel room now as I write this and try to get my mind back in order. This morning I went out to take some pictures in the garden. This is an activity which always calms me:

The colours in the one above are about as confused as I felt this morning.

This one is better – nice, curvy green shapes – very calming:

I’m certainly not going to bother to look up taxonomical names for any of these flowers. Since I am recovering from one of those “my brain has crashed and I can’t get it rebooted” moments, I’ll let interested readers fill in the Latin gaps:

I do know that these are bougainvillea:

As are these:

And these, which were growing out over the swimming pool:

There, I feel calmer already.

Here is the UPDATE: Eunie had the look of fear in her eyes this morning. It’s not surprising, because I can now remember how scary it must have been for her. I was definitely not myself. There is a nice doctor in the little shopping mall next to the hotel. I went over there, partly to calm my own fears and partly to be able to show Eunie that I had enough presence of mind to go and see him. He did the usual medical stuff and asked me a lot of questions. Three hours earlier, most of them would have given me trouble. However, as I sat at his desk, I could answer them satisfactorily. There are a number of contributing factors which I won’t explain because they are, uh . . . personal, but the doctor said that he thought it was very unlikely that I had had a stroke, but did say that I should have a compete work-up of (very expensive) scans and such as soon as possible.

“Soon as possible” will probably be in October, when we plan a trip to Australia for several weeks.

Four hours after the episode I am feeling calmer and ready to go down to the pool area to get on the Web and post this. Probably, most people would consider me a foolishly bold individual, if you know what I mean. “Live hard and leave a mangled corpse behind.” is my mantra. However, I am terrified of mental disease. That’s probably because I have lived most of my life suspecting that I am crazy. Possibly that is because I am often unable to explain my own actions. That seems crazy to me.

Or, maybe I’m just like everybody else.

I love the Seal song, Crazy.

A man decides after seventy years,
That what he goes there for, is to unlock the door.
While those around him criticize and sleep…
And through a fractal on a breaking wall,
I see you my friend, and touch your face again.
Miracles will happen as we trip.

But we’re never gonna survive, unless…
We get a little crazy
No we’re never gonna survive, unless…
We are a little…

Peace.

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