The Computer That I REALLY Want!

Posted in Humor on November 20th, 2009 by MadDog
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I sit at my desk most days keeping at least two computers humming desperately to keep up with my demands. I have two screens and two keyboard/mouse inputs. I could use an automatic switch to use the same keyboard and mouse to control both computers, but that’s too easy. While I’m waiting for something to finish on one machine, I’ve started something else going on the other. It’s not that I’m such a whiz, it’s just that computers are so infernally stupid and slow. I constantly have to explain what I want in the most minute detail. And I have to do it with my decrepit old fingers.

I tried vioce recognition. Let me tell you. We’re just a hair’s breadth away from making that work. I’ve already dictated most of two magazine articles using the VR that’s built right into Windows 7. It works just fine, once you get it trained.

But why do I even have to talk? Here’s a sunrise to look at while you’re thinking about that bit of craziness:

Good morning sunshineI want a computer that’s built in. I don’t want to have to plug anything into my neck or my belly-button. When I’m stumbling down the street in Amsterdam, I want to be able to think, “Beelzeebubba, show me the way to my hotel.” You see, my computer’s name is a nonsense word that I’d be extremely unlikely to use normally. That’s how the computer knows that I’m asking it and not some stranger on the street or I have used its name in casual conversation. (except in the extremely unlikely case in which a telepath named Beelzeebubba happens to be standing close to me)  That’s why the old Star Trek  thing of saying, “Computer!” every time you want something from it won’t work. Every time you speak (or think) the word ‘computer’ the stupid thing answers back, “Huh?, Waddaya want?” You would certainly not want to name your computer Uhh or Hmm.

I should be able to ask questions like, “If I jumped out of this plane, how long would it be before I hit the ground?” The computer, knowing that I”m on United 12 from Kewanee to Kankakee (no such flight, by the way), knows exactly where I am and at what altitude. It also knows the elevation above sea level under the plane. It should come back with something like, “It will take three minutes and twelve seconds plus or minus five seconds with a 90% confidence level.”

I would be comforted by the knowing. Here’s another sunrise while you digest that:

Getting brighter - GO SUN!

My computer should be powered by my own metabolism. If Beelzeebubba seems a little sluggish, I just eat more and the peppiness will return. If I’m putting a little air in my spare tire (my tire is presently very spare), I just think, “Beelzeebubba, calculate the value of π to 10 googoplex places and send it to my CNN IReport account.” and I’ll lose a couple of kilos. The exertion of that task will consume some of my excess body fat and I’ll return to my svelte normality.

Here, calm your frayed nerves with this mind number (as in numbing your mind). Your hands will feel like two balloons:

The Torch

I want to be able to think, “Beelzeebubba, get me to Rangoon by Friday Noon and charge it to Bill Gates.” I would like to muse, “Beelzeebubba, could God be manipulating the universe through quantum entanglement?” (one of my pet theories) I would like to ponder, “Beelzeebubba, what do women want?”

Beelzeebubba would obey my commands and answer all of these questions and more. Here, stare at this a while. Stop when you feel dizzy:Good morning sunshineBeelzeebubba would communicate with me by direct connections to my optic, auditory and other essential nerve fibres. I’d ‘hear’ it speaking to me and ‘see’ what it wants to show me. The visual stuff would appear as a ‘heads up’ display in my field of vision. The spoken voice would sound like Olivia Newton-John. In the background there would always be the faint hum of roller skates.

Beelzeebubba would also monitor my state of health, if I want it to. Constant nagging about not smoking and “that’s enough beer” could be filtered out. “You are about to have a heart attack!”, I might not want to filter. Or maybe I would. It would, of course, perceive everything that I see, hear, touch, smell and taste. It would advise me if I were drinking the wrong wine with pressed duck. More sunrise action? Okay, have this one:Coconut Point SunriseThat’s Coconut Point.

I’d be able to command Beelzeebubba to, “Write me an article for Niugini Blue  called Heart of the Hunter.  Use what I’m currently thinking about as the theme. ( I now let my mind wander around in the subject matter.) Use the images that I’m imagining. Fill in any gaps in my knowledge from the web. Have it ready in a half-hour.”

In the evening, when I’m ready for some sack time, I could think, “Beelzeebubba, knock me out until 05:00. Schedule six variations of what I’m going to think about for the next sixty seconds as my dream sequence. Keep it clean and no violence or ethnic jokes. Oh, and I don’t want to hear anything about Britney Spears!”

That’s the computer that I want.

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