More Ancient Advertising from Paradise

Posted in Humor on August 26th, 2009 by MadDog
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I think that it’s about time that we delve further into the subject of Ancient Advertising. These ads came from the venerable pages of old Paradise magazines given to me by my partner in dubious humour, Maureen Hill.

Let’s start with an image that is so sublimely ridiculous that it deserves . . . uh . . . I’m not sure what it deserves. A punch in the face comes to mind. No that’s inappropriate. Let me think about it:

AVDEV - who is the clown with the briefcase?

Okay, who is the clown with the briefcase, where has he been, where is he going, and why, oh why did he insist on that astonishingly dangerous spot from which to depart. I was a helicopter pilot before I took up clowning for a living. Let me tell you, that LZ makes the hair on my arms stand out like Buckwheat’s afro (sorry if you don’t get that, Google Buckwheat and Little Rascals).

Now here is a very nice snap of some lovely ladies doing . . . something, I’m not sure what, maybe exchanging gifts, who knows? It’s one of those “concept” things that I’m never sure why it is supposed to make me want to buy a particular car. It seems like a lot of mumbo-jumbo to me, but then I’m not very sophisticated:

An ancient Toyota - I wonder how long it ran?

When I see one of these old automobile ads I can’t help wondering how long the thing held up here in PNG. I still see some that look a lot like this one on the streets, belching white smoke and wobbling back and forth on bent rims and dead shocks. Most of them are held together only by the tenacity of rust.

Look at this zippy looking aeroplane. It just makes me want to go somewhere. It’s too bad that we ended up with a state-controlled airline that is so backward an inefficient that it’s cheaper to get from Brisbane to NYC than it is to get from Madang to Brisbane:

Anybody else remember TAA?

Maybe we can locate one of these old clunkers and revive it. I bet that a concerned citizens group could buy one for a song, hire me to fly it (for suitable compensation, of course) and beat the socks off of Air Niugini. We’ll have to figure out how to get it to run on palm oil. We can grow our own jet fuel out in our gardens.

Now, here is a lady who loves her perfume. She seems, in fact, to worship it. And don’t hand her any of that “size doesn’t matter” blather. She’s into serious scent:

This lady lover her perfume and size DOES matter!

I tried to load the web site for the designer, but my lunch hour wasn’t long enough. Eunie has about twenty teeny-weeney bottles of perfume in her secret hiding place right next to the bathroom sink. She always smells nice; everybody says so. Why would you need a gallon of the stuff? A pernicious B.O. problem?

The Toyota ad wasn’t silly, it was just mystifying. This one hits about 9.8 on the Silliometer. First of all, comparing a Datsun to a thoroughbred is like Comparing Queen Latifah to Meryl Streep (or something like that). They are both actors, but they don’t run in the same class. (By the way, I like Queen Latifah. Meryl Streep’s not bad either.):

This looks a bit ridiculous

Can you picture a guy way back in the day buying one of these little wonders in Lae and driving it up to Hagen only to discover that it’s completely clapped out by the time gets there?

This one is amusing. I’ll send a crisp K20 note to anyone who can email to me a scan of a document that demonstrates that anyone ever booked a trip through Burns Philp:

Did anyone ever use it?

Hey, dude, watch where you’re pointing that thing. I might go off. If anybody can think of a good caption for this one, please leave a comment. I’m wracking my brain, but I can’t think of anything suitable for a general audience.

And, how about that funky computer terminal. I’ll give a hundred Kina to anyone who can get me one of those.

It will go into the MadDog Museum of Mildly Amusing Artefacts.

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A Short History of Ancient Advertising

Posted in Mixed Nuts on February 18th, 2009 by MadDog
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I’ve been keeping amused by sorting through the old issues of Paradise Magazine that Maureen Hill gave to me. There are many articles of interest to old-timers, but the advertisements are so funky and dated that I have to show you a few of them. I’ll get around to the articles later.

These ads came from Issue 2: October 1976, Issue 5: May 1977, and Issue 6: July 1977.

In hindsight, I suppose that old cigarette ads are not so funny. I can remember when “Nine out of ten Doctors Recommend . . .” They can ‘t get away that that now. Here’s an old Peter Stuyvesant ad from Paradise:

Stuyvesant cigarette ad from an early Paradise magazine
It would have been more honest to say, “We hired this clown to dress up in a doctor suit and lie to you.”, but I don’t think they would have sold as many coffin nails. I was curious about who the dude was or if it was a fake name. Turns out he was real:

Peter Stuyvesant (circa 1600 – August 1672) served as the last Dutch Director-General of the colony of New Netherland from 1647 until it was ceded provisionally to the English in 1664. He was a major figure in the early history of New York City. Stuyvesant’s accomplishment as director-general included a great expansion for the settlement of New Amsterdam (later renamed New York) beyond the southern tip of Manhattan. Among the projects built by Stuyvesant’s administration were the protective wall on Wall Street, the canal which became Broad Street, and Broadway.

Here’s one that’s a laugh. Who in the world thought this up:

Air Niugini - A Wise Old Owl?
Air Niugini – A Wise Old Owl? Maybe way back then.

The Avis car hire gang was around then and have managed to hang in there:

Avis - The Car Hire Gang
Although I don’t think anybody dresses like that anymore. (Hey, wait a minute. I DO know some guys who still dress that way!)

Ela Motors is still pumping out the iron, though I seriously doubt if the car shown in the ad is more than a rusting hulk:

Avis - The Car Hire Gang
South Pacific Brewery is still faithfully insuring that nobody goes to school (ably assisted by British American Tobacco).* However, with the quality of the flint bottle longnecks (SP Export Lager) that we’ve been seeing lately I think a lot of people would switch if there was anything in the same price range. Every other bottle spews about a third of its contents out as soon as you open it:
Old South Pacific Brewery ad from Paradise Magazine
I saved the best for last. Burns Philp used to be a very big deal here. I can remember a huge warehouse store just around the corner from my office. It burned down. Burns Philp is now a shell company owned by New Zealand businessman Graeme Hart:
Old Burns Philp ad from Paradise Magazine
I wonder if its demise had anything to do with its ludicrous advertisements.

Fair is fair – it is cute in a demented sort of way.

* Okay, okay, I know it’s not fair to blame the brewers and ciggie makers for the irresponsibility and neglect of the slugs who choose to consume the products in such quantities that they can’t afford to send their kids to school. It’s like blaming the arms industry for all the people who die in wars. But, hey, we gotta blame somebody!

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